According to Google (my bestie), P.C.O.S. otherwise known as Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a condition that affects a woman’s hormone levels. Women with PCOS produce higher-than-normal amounts of male hormones (testosterone). In other words, you have mood swings, more hair and…I feel I should maybe list the symptoms to give everyone an idea of how it really affects someone in their day to day life:
PCOS Symptoms:
- Irregular Periods
- Heavy bleeding
- Hair growth
- Acne
- Weight Gain
- Male-pattern baldness
- Darkening of the skin
- Headaches
There’s so much more information that is out there about it but basically it’s a shit diagnosis that has no cure – isn’t that great 😀 Obviously, PCOS affects people differently and not everyone has every single symptom that is listed, which is probably why it’s so hard to treat. Also, no one is really sure how you get it but it’s most likely caused by genetics and if someone in your family has it, you’re more likely to get it (as with most things).
Growing up Portuguese, I always struggled with my weight and excess hair. As a kid, school peers would always comment on how hairy I was (especially the guys) making me grow up like every other teenager – hating myself. Coping with the hair never got easier as I would spend hundreds of pounds on laser and waxing to constantly hate myself every time the hair grew back. I started taking a pill called Dianette to lessen the thickness of the hair but taking this at such a young age (12 yrs old) really messed me up, not only physically but also mentally.
I remember going to the GP and being told that if I had PCOS, I would never be able to have children. This was something that I had never stopped to think about but when faced with the realisation that I might not have the choice one day made it all the more real. The choice could be made for me and there would be nothing I could do about it…
I didn’t have PCOS.
University Years
No matter what I did, I always felt like the fat, hairy girl. Too big, too loud and unlike baby (catch the reference) just couldn’t sit in the corner and be quiet. I was too noticeable not to comment on. I really felt the effects when I first started University. With Dianette, it had MANY risks and one of them is blood clots which is why they only allow you to be on it for the duration of 3 years and then you have to be off it for a year. With all the ups and downs and realising that my hair was now thicker and darker coming off it, I wanted to opt for a less dangerous approach – To basically kill two birds with one stone, i.e. to be put on the pill.
I went through 2-3 different types: one causing me to have a rash on my upper body, and the others made me gain weight like a MOFO and my anxiety go through the roof. I don’t even know why I was on the pill because it wasn’t like I was attractive enough to get anyone to sleep with me, let alone feel comfortable doing so without freaking myself out from start to finish, but anything to keep the excess hair at bay!
I cracked. I had had enough. This time I decided to take a year off from any pill, try and lose the weight and then see what could be done from there.
A Year Later…
Nothing was happening. I wasn’t losing any weight, I started to find more patches of darker hair around my body, especially around my shoulders and I was starting to get in-grown hairs everywhere (my legs, bikini line, lower back etc.). I went to the doctors and they made me go and take an ultrasound given that by not having irregular periods meant that there wasn’t much to investigate. After I got the results, it seemed that I do in fact have P.C.O.S. This was hard pill for me to swallow seeing as it felt like being given a life sentence. All of these issues weren’t just going to go away with this diagnosis, so was there really any point in knowing?
At the end of the day, it’s always important to know why. I went to see a dermatologist who, in his words, didn’t think I was hairy enough and wanted to know if I was only doing this for cosmetic purposes. I felt so disgusted being touched that I constantly had tears in my eyes and I could barely speak (yeah…cosmetic purposes my ass). It was being faced with having to tell a total stranger that because of this embarrassing condition, I never really got to live my life at all. I felt stuck and wanted to just hide and here I was, having to show myself to someone other than my local wax lady.
In that appointment, the doctor said I would need to do a blood test and prescribed ‘spironolactone’, a feminising hormone therapy which is also prescribed to transgender males when transitioning. I was supposed to hear back about my kidneys to then get the OK to start taking the tablets…I called, left messages with the reception and even sent two emails but I never heard back.
No one ever mentions how much energy it takes chasing up doctors or maybe I was just naive to it all. Starting on dianette from a young age meant that I was constantly checked to make sure everything was running smoothly (even when I started taking the pill). I was never left to my own devices and was always given enough information so that I didn’t feel I had to go home and google. This was all very new to me.
PCOS isn’t like that. There isn’t that much information out there seeing as there isn’t a cure yet. I can testify that there are many websites ‘claiming’ that they can help you but it’s more just talking about the symptoms and diet. No one talks about the effect it can have on one’s self esteem or how women out there are living their lives regardless of their diagnosis. I’m still on my journey in trying to figure out this PCOS life but if anyone has any advice or wants a chat, leave a comment or message me and let me know!
In times of confusion and exhaustion, the internet is our friend.
Hey friend!
The Anxious Portuguesa 