My last official day of lockdown was 28th July and somehow I couldn’t really comprehend my thoughts and feelings on going back to work. On the one hand, I was relieved that I was going to be able to focus on something other than a new hobby but on the other hand…how the hell was I going to fit back into my clothes?! (a post on that later)
Now nearly 2 months in and I am struggling…I can’t seem to focus on or even want to achieve anything because all I’m thinking is, this could happen again. Come winter time we could all be locked down again and reevaluating our life choices – Has this lockdown not taught us anything? How can we focus on figures and targets when we’ll be needing people to cover when the time comes of needing to quarantine ourselves?
The whole lockdown with the Portuguese family was a very interesting time and by interesting, I mean regressive. Regression in terms of mental health is soul crushing but inevitable. You see yourself in your childhood home, surrounded by family and toxic traits that you hadn’t faced in a long time but are doing so every single day. At home, my dad decided to make himself the full-time chef and would check to see what I was doing/eating (by staying all day in the kitchen) so that I wasn’t too full to eat his meal. Meanwhile, hearing my parents argue every morning was always a great alarm *note sarcasm*.
I felt trapped and had to cancel my over the phone therapy sessions because there was no way of me packing away all of the emotions these sessions would bring up (whilst also whispering so that no one could hear me). As many people know, in almost all cultures speaking badly about the family is a no-go. It means you’re unappreciative, selfish and spoilt. To then go and talk about them to someone OUTSIDE of the family? Sorry, access denied.
In terms of talking about mental health, my family’s views have come a long way (ish). I appreciate the fact that when I’m feeling really really low, I can go and sit down with my mum (if I catch her not tired and in a good mood) and talk about things. It doesn’t resolve anything and it actually makes me feel worse, but I guess it’s nice to have the option compared to those who feel like they don’t.
I thought I would write a quick post just to check in and let everyone know that in this day and age we are able to go online and ‘share’ our feelings without fear of judgement. We are able to expose ourselves in ways that other generations never could, therefore I am taking full advantage of that. To anyone out there struggling to get by and just wants to give up? I am with you all the way!
I’m struggling too.
The Anxious Portuguesa 