Now I know I recently highlighted on one of my last posts about the whole barista crush thing and gave the advice that you should all STAY AWAY from the good looking person making your latté but I also felt my story was funny enough to share on here (who knows, there might be a part 2,3…10). I realise that I’m baiting myself out by exposing the place where this happened but you know what, if you can’t be honest on your WordPress blog – where can you be? (rhetorical question ladies and gentlemen)
As I mentioned in my previous post, this all started in Summer 2018, where I found myself at my lowest point not only mentally but also in life. I wasn’t sure if I was going to graduate uni and this was all due to some sort of mix up that started with only wanting to push my french exams forward but ending up having to move all of them. At the time I really wasn’t speaking to anyone my age, I was too embarrassed about everything that had happened and I felt nobody would/could understand. I felt completely worthless: in my appearance, life and personality. I just felt like I wasn’t good enough…
Weirdly enough this brought out a lot of emotions in me that made me feel even more aware of my situation but also in myself and the stuff I had buried. It was as if I was under scrutiny and thus creating this comparison-like thinking/mentality. How, of course, these good looking strangers would hate me and that they’re so out of my league (to even talk to) = creates this black hole of self-hatred. Knowing that others (strangers of all people) have this effect on me increases the hatred, in the way that these things shouldn’t be affecting me at this age.
What’s annoying is that this isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this: at work (especially around the managers), at Uni, School, on the bus, in public places etc. and what concerns me is that it isn’t getting any easier with age. In fact, it’s getting worse, especially after talking to other people about it. Everyone has this concept that ‘Ahh, you have anxiety, it’s OK, this is all in your head and why the hell would these people be speaking about you? You’re just a customer/colleague/stranger on the bus and if they are talking about you? Who gives a shit.
I give a shit. Sorry to say this but yes, by having anxiety and having this ‘ability’ to constantly be aware of my surroundings and my soul existence being based on analysing everything/place/facial expression/tone – need I go on? This makes learning to not give a shit THE HARDEST THING imaginable.
Now saying this, you’d think I’d been treated like shit or maybe even bad service/shit drinks but nope it’s the aura/vibe I get – it’s so uncomfortable. It makes me feel so uneasy as if I’m being constantly made fun of/talked about/there’s a private joke out there that I don’t know about. It’s this push and pull feeling of wanting to be recognised and feel like a regular but hating the fact that you’re noticed and are constantly aware of your actions.
22nd August 2018
Dear Diary,
[…] Meanwhile, whilst all of this has been going on with my exams, Costa Coffee has been stress. I didn’t realise how much I needed to change coffee shops until it was too late – I really should’ve looked somewhere else. The thing that stopped me from doing this was for the fact that they don’t care if I work there till 7pm and it’s actually kind of blessed EXCEPT for the whole… I ended up staying there late one day and it was just the brothers working and I ended up speaking to BAE. Somehow in my head, that meant (THEY LIKE ME – YEY) so when I went in the next day thinking I was going to do my Portuguese exam and saw them on their way out, we all said Hi (Jessica 2-0 Life). THAT SHIT DIED REAL QUICK. When I went back on Monday, let’s just say the atmosphere got so bad that I thought they were bad mouthing me. It got to the point that I think Bae doesn’t like me now given that, when I went there to buy a sandwich he went ‘hey miss how can I-OH’. OH?! OH?!? HOW BOUT YOU SHOW ME CUSTOMER SERVICE YOU FINE-ASS -ANNOYING-ASS-WHY-DON’T-YOU-SHOW-ME-ATTENTION-COS-ME LUV-U-BAE-ITALIAN-STALLION SNACK!!
I would go home every day and just cry at how no matter what I did, it would have to get bitchy and this time by strangers who didn’t even know me/would never know me but were ok with just commenting about me- sigggghhhhsssss. -_- However, I did go in the afternoon today to work and it’s one of those: as long as I ignore them and put my headphones in and listen to music kinda loud, I’m fine. I must’ve been trying to look for/use them as a distraction when really, it’s never going to work. I have to accept it for what it is. They don’t like me and that it will always be like this. My exams will end, I will stop revising, they will never see me again and ACABOU. I don’t know why I assumed I’d somehow be considered a regular…more like a regular weirdo in their books. SIGHS.
Lastly, (cos there’s not much more that I can add) it’s really hit me how much I blame myself and overthink TUDO and that it makes my life so much harder, inadvertently affecting my mental health. ALSO, I am an OVERACTIVE EMPATH and that’s why I feel everyone else’s emotions and vibes when they have nothing to do with me (Thanks Google).
All jokes aside, it does feel like you’re the only one going through this when you’re juggling how you really feel and how you should be feeling in your head. Yes, I did just post a diary entry and I was cringing just as bad when typing it but hopefully it will help someone out there in coping with how cringy this feels when it’s actually happening as if everyone else has it all put together except you. Everyone is struggling…just some people write cringy diary entries and post them online to further embarrass themselves (Thank me later).
The Anxious Portuguesa 