Disclaimer: This is not a Wattpad/Romantic Comedy scenario where the girl and the F***boy get together and it has a real cutesy storybook ending. This is about how gradually opening up, revealing those dark secrets and accepting them can lead you to the most in-depth conversations with the most unexpected kinds of people.
Now in terms of friendships, my final year was something else entirely… I started off with a completely different mindset. I had spent the summer working and had realised that the Uni bubble just wasn’t for me anymore or never really was meant for me. I found that there were other things out there to look forward to, to explore and to try my hand at. This mindset therefore set me up for the whole year: ‘I don’t give a f**k, why the hell am I going to start something that will only last me a year/not even? No thank you.’ #amood
This led me to not even put any effort into ‘chasing’ friendships let alone being in ones that didn’t hold any interest for me. By being in my final year meant that I didn’t have to force conversations or have rapid pre-thought out replies ready at hand so that there weren’t any awkward silences. I just didn’t care, especially if you were good looking. Somehow in my head, this was a red alert/flag (whatever you want to call it) for me to be even more aware of how I shouldn’t contribute too much to the conversation (see if the pretty boy actually had anything of value to say without any cues).
Long story short, I ended up having two classes with someone like this, and having to work in a group together meant that each week we somehow found a reason to either just chill between classes or walk home together (which everyone at uni does regardless of gender…and how FINE they are…). For my anxiety, these little encounters were my doom. I would spend the whole week constantly analysing the previous encounter, if I had said something idiotic, anything at all really that I could find that would give him even more of a reason to stop talking to me.
Funny enough, I, from day 1, was the one that wanted to cut it off but thought this was probably a good time to give myself a little experiment (YEP! in the midst of all my deadlines, dissertation and exams I somehow thought this was a good idea).
The sad thing was that my life really did feel like it was crashing and burning especially when it came to one of these classes which I ultimately thought I was going to fail. Of course, new potential ‘acquaintance’ was relaxed, jokey, wanting to sit next to me and work together and I’m in full *you’re too smart to sit next to me and if you do you’ll realise how dumb I am and not want to talk to me anymore/realise how bad idea it was to still chat to me*
When you’re constantly wondering how you’re coming across or analysing every moment, thought and word – Just end it. You’ll thank me later.
Cristina Ferreira Mendonça
What was even stranger was the fact that I didn’t overthink at all…in conversation. I was able to be myself, be 100% (even over the top at times) and felt that the other person wasn’t judging me. Was this what real friendship felt like? With someone whom I had no intention of ever speaking to again let alone having some sort of friendship with.
It was weird because he was someone I could be around for 3 hrs and still want to talk to. Even though to somebody else our conversations probably seemed really random, it was the effortlessness in how we didn’t need a specific subject matter or have to have this very typical structure to our conversations – they just flowed which meant my anxiety could flow the F out (even if it was only for a short period of time).
Back to the matter at hand, our ‘conversations’. I can say there were 2 significant moments where I realised that being good looking and being mentally aware and open aren’t mutually exclusive (I used to have a 3-piece luggage set of preconceived judgements – can you tell?). It just seemed, from afar, that he enjoyed having everyone talk about him but never actually know him at all. Happy to be just another ‘bait’ human in a sea of people trying to be noticed.
‘How do you know it’s not just a façade…?’
Walking to class, we were talking about first impressions and how we come across and are perceived by others. I, of course, mentioned how when I first met him, my exact thoughts were that he was going to be this complete prick. Come to find out he was actually really calm and chill to talk to. His response is what caught me off guard:
“How do you know it’s not just a façade…?”
“Wait, what? You being calm?’
“No…it’s like…everyone assuming you’re this shiny red apple when really when you bite into it, you realise it’s just an average apple…nothing special…”
I didn’t say anything. I mentally locked that statement and later made a joke about how he must have thought he was so up himself to think he’s a shiny red apple in the first place (got to love the random shit that comes out when you’re caught off guard). I didn’t want to inflate the ego anymore than it already was but somehow I related – this façade that we attribute to ourselves and this front we put up. Living with anxiety, I always had what I like to call cardboard cut out where you’re constantly presenting this socially acceptable version of yourself and having to struggle afterwards with how you really think and feel. Yet, here I was finally speaking with someone I felt I didn’t have to present my cardboard cut out to and even at times when I did, would be called out on my BS straightaway.
Life is about people accepting you for you and not making it feel like a burden
Let’s just say my anxiety was very present in the classes that I had with him. I would feel claustrophobic, felt I was shaking and having a panic attack. There was him appearing to be all cool and collected and I’m there looking at the exit like…Can I pretend I’m going to fill my water bottle…even though I forgot to bring my water bottle…
We were walking out of class as always when I decided to make a joke and he turned to me saying “Look who’s all loud and jokey now and is all quiet and shy in class…I see you”. It wasn’t even said in a serious tone at all and I don’t even think he expected a response but for me, it felt like I needed to address the elephant in the room = me.
“I completely get if you find it weird or don’t even want to chat cos it is strange how I act hella different in class compared to out…I wouldn’t be surpris-“
The way he just stopped on the staircase and said
“Wow, I think you’re taking it and thinking too much about it. I don’t care, at the end of the day the person you are in class and the way you are outside, one thing has nothing to do with the other. It’s still you.”
It’s still you.
I cried inside a little bit and if I remember correctly I think I MAY have shed a tear when I got home too. The utter and complete shock I had that someone I had only known for 2-3 weeks (not even) was able to be so mentally aware and didn’t even know I had a disorder. Meanwhile, I had ‘friends’ since the start of Uni that couldn’t even comprehend how to not say unhelpful and degrading things about mental health…
Thank god I met someone just like me…and never became friends with them
Cristina Ferreira Mendonça
I think there’s always going to be a part of me that wishes I had never met him or that I could have just broken him up into little pieces and placed certain qualities onto my friends at the time and not had such a strong focus on him. I never felt that I was special or that I needed his approval and yet, seeing so many of my own traits in him meant that I was able to analyse myself and see…I wouldn’t even want to be my friend. Being so emotionally closed had its benefits once upon a time but that it’s something that doesn’t work for me anymore or would work for me in friendship in the future. I finally felt what it was like to respect myself and my mental health from someone else’s perspective because at the end of the day it is true, it is still me.
I’m not sure if he ever felt ‘safe’ around me or with me he just put on another ‘façade’ but I feel like the only hope I still have and carry with me is that he did, in fact, appreciate our little chats, even if it was only around 2%. For him to know that there was someone out there who didn’t give a flying f**k about the shiny apple and that for me it was the other way round…this average apple when you bit into it, ended up being so different from the norm and on a whole different wave.
Side-note: Thank you for giving me a bit of relief this past year from my cardboard cut-out and making me feel safe.
The Anxious Portuguesa 