To be, or not to be
William Shakespeare
Now, now, let me explain myself before you lot come for me and start to wonder why my positive thinking has left the building. I am NOT saying that it is a bad idea or that you will not benefit from the experience of asking someone to meet/catch up or let someone know it would be nice to see them. What I AM saying is that…prepare yourself and mentally comprehend that it will be a long journey regardless of the outcome and just the process of asking them will be the hardest hurdle to overcome. Let’s just get down to it, shall we?
In terms of my university experience and the friends I made, I can honestly say that each year I had a staple friend. Someone who, looking back, was the one that maybe without knowing it, kept me smiling, kept me in their prayers or really just helped me in general. However, the majority of these friendships did not last and were only helpful for that particularly troubled part of my uni life. That for me was a hard pill to swallow. Knowing that those genuine friendships couldn’t withstand change and weren’t flexible enough to mould into something new and something better was heartbreaking for me and like everything, I thought it was my fault.
In terms of my anxiety and friendships/acquaintances I’ve had in the past, there were always 3 people I felt didn’t really benefit too well from my toxic traits (hey, as much as we try and cut out the toxic people from our lives, we have to also be aware of when we were probably toxic to others). I never wanted to admit it and tbh at the time no one could tell me nothing, but yes, I did come to realise (especially after Uni) that I wasn’t exactly a good friend to these people either.
I don’t really know what I was looking for, whether it was closure, a friend, wanting to rekindle whatever jokes and great times we had but what I did know was that…I was still thinking about them. Regret is not my strong suit (I purposely do stuff so I can’t regret anything in life) and yet here I am contemplating if I should reach out to these people (after 1-4 yrs of not seeing them).
For me, it somehow felt necessary to at least let them know as well as myself that I could finally acknowledge all that they did for me as friends and how I ended up benefitting from knowing them. To the point that now, in my everyday life, I can reject what is sub-par friendship because of what they were able to show me.
Stage 1: Denial
Why the hell am I doing this? It’s not like they’re somewhere in London or wherever they are, having therapy and talking about me. They’re not considering what went wrong or even the fact that there was a reason why we never continued being friends. Wait…did these people even care to know? What kind of weirdo was I going to look like popping up after so many years talking to them about what they did for me? Can we spell out lonely graduate weirdo with any fewer words?
Stage 2: Anger
Yep, you guessed it: Mother-freaking-anger and at who
Stage 3: Second-guessing yourself and your life decisions
What if this is all for nothing? I am putting myself through ALL this stress to somehow get rejected by people I CHOSE not to continue things with…Can anyone say mental health issues? What would even be the point? To be verbally rejected via messenger? Or to follow through with something that will ultimately fail?
Stage 4: Actually considering it…making a list…and checking it twice
Although…if nothing happens no one has to know…I can keep all of this embarrassment and shame to myself.
| Pro’s | Cons |
| – Will get to prove myself that I was right (thank you very much) | – Will look so keen and appear as if I have no friends of my own |
| – Will be over it | – Have some dead meet up and regret ever reaching out |
| – Will get my answers (the shit friend that can never be forgiven) | – Following them on social media to get the ball rolling and realising there’s no room for the ball to roll (a.k.a. no-follow back) |
| – Will stop wondering why (Closed Chapter. The End.) | – Come across like a stalker |
| – Finally, I’ll get to take charge of who I want to be friends with, and maybe…even continue the friendship? | – Will feel shit about myself |
| – Have people I genuinely want to hang out with | – Rejected. |
Stage 5: Action
You will eventually decide to do something and whether that is reaching out or not, that will ultimately be YOUR decision and that alone will be liberating in itself. Enjoy.
Stage 6: REGRET REGRET REGREEETTTT!!!! (On repeat)
Stage 7: Acceptance (of whatever action you decided to take)
Saturday 27th April
Dear Diary,
I don’t know how or when, but I feel for me this is an achievement. Whether this is a complete and utter failure (don’t forget humiliation) or the friendships continue, I am proud of myself for making a decision and following through with it.
So…what do you do when you get a reply?
The Anxious Portuguesa 